In this video learn about modeling behavior versus setting rules from Shefali Tsabary, PhD.
Some parents are over concerned over how to create rules, what rules should my child follow, how should I institute, how should I embody them, and my answer to them is to begin from a different place, don’t start at the rule based how do I implement rules, start at a different place. The place I want parents to start thinking about rules is not with behavior but about relationship. How as a parent am I embodying a relationship to my own sense of a rule based life and how do I help my child navigate internal rules. Rules when fixated on external behavior are going to go array very quickly, you will going to make a chart, you will going to have a naughty step, you will going to have a stool, you will going to have a time out corner, none of those will work because the rules are being artificially imposed. For rules to truly work, RULES, what that really mean is that there need to be an inner sense of grounding. When a parent begins to model living a life, which is clear, consistent, organized, non-chaotic and grounded in the sense of method, methodology, the same thing kind of happens over and over again, then quite naturally, the child will follow, the behavior will follow, there is no need to now let’s impose our rule about how we talk, it’s how we talk. There is no need to impose a rule about who does chores, we all do chores, its part of family contribution. There is no need to institute a rule over language, or cellular phone use, it’s just how things are done in the family. So unlike parents to shift away from enforcing rules because they just rigidifies the notion that they are in control and they need to be dominant and take it to a more circular base prospective where rules are happening organically, it’s the embodiedment of your own value, your own leadership in your own life.